I stumbled onto this poem by Rupi Kaur and it hit me in a place I didn’t know was vulnerable when I found it. Paxon is a piece of me and a piece of the man I love and, all so suddenly, I want the world for him.
It was really starting to get autumnal in Spokane. The sky was never sunny anymore and, lucky for me, I packed only sandals and summer clothes. I didn’t know how long I would be in Spokane in the first place.
Paxon was getting so huge at this point. He still had wrinkly little arms and legs that could use a little more bulk, but each time he ate he would get a bloated little stomach and I was loving it.
One of my visits, I was asked to choose a pediatrician for Paxon and that was a good sign we might be getting out pretty soon.
With the colder air outside, naturally the NICU was a little colder as well. I discovered quickly that Paxon hates the cold (like me) and especially hates waking up to someone’s cold hands (like Micah).
This week, Paxon was eating so well that there were a few feedings where he either only nursed or only ate from a bottle. They told me it would be up to him when he would get out of the hospital and he was definitely letting us know.
Earlier I had talked about someone coming in and taking pictures of some of the babies and moms visiting the hospital. Incredibly enough, my picture with Paxon was used on posters around the hospital for the NICU.
At this point, seeing him still in his incubator bed with the IV sticking out of his head seemed like it was forever ago when, in reality, it was still just a couple of weeks back. I was so grateful at the progress he had made in such a short amount of time. Babies really are amazing. They know exactly what they need.
At the end of the week, I was asked to bring in Paxon’s car seat to see if he fit and if his vitals stayed steady while he sit in it for 90 minutes. He passed!
I didn’t think this moment would ever happen, but the doctor gave me a 48 hour notice to say that Paxon was telling us it’s time to go home. One of the last mornings at Deaconess, he ripped out his IV one last time and they decided he was doing good enough to keep it out at that point.
Seeing him in the car seat made him seem so small, but he was so much bigger than he was. I didn’t care about his size, I was ready to be done with having to visit my baby in the hospital. I could only daydream about cuddling up with my baby on a couch or somewhere else comfortable without the hospital smell and loud monitors constantly going off.
The week happened so quickly. The nurses helped me prepare for this moment, but I still felt far from ready to be a parent. I guess everyone’s story is a little different and everyone still feels unprepared to take their first baby home.
Micah’s job had him based out of Seattle so I was going to stay back with his parents and get a hang of raising the little one before I have to really be on my own.
There are countless people that had made it possible for me to get this far. I owe it to doctors, nurses, friends and a whole lot of family for taking on this surprise like I’ve had to. I see the sadness of the world every time I open my phone and browse anywhere on the internet, but the people helping me have restored my faith a little bit.
In life, I’ve been extremely lucky. ❤️